A father is making love to a mother, but his mind is somewhere else. He takes hold of me pulls me towards him. He wanted me to be a boy. What he does not know is that I chose to be a girl and I am not planning to move to that world anytime soon.

He does not have the faintest idea that I have decided to taint his reputation when I move to that world. I have made a promise to myself to become a rebel. I want to cross out all of the rules of that world. I want to be one of the girls who will change the world. I know if I take this path I will suffer as long as I am living with people of the same time as mine, yet I will be remembered.

Clearly, my potential father wants me to live and die at that time. But I want to live after I am dead. Ergo, I chose to be a girl and a rebellious one. Since rebels in minorities became eternal.

I have a friend who carps at me all the time. My friend tells me that women are not considered a minority in that world. They take half of the world and during the war, they take the whole world. He chose to be a boy and go to war. He tells me that in that world nothing gives a kick more than war. He says you have more chance to be remembered if you are in war than being a crazy girl!

There are many kids here that do not give a fig about this stuff. They do not even care what they want to be. Who is their father or their mother. All they do throughout eternity is to swing, swing, and swing. They are waiting until their time comes and to jump into the pleasant warmth of their mother’s womb. But I like to know which rules are real. Here behind the curtains of unawareness, everything is clear. Or maybe we know everything given we are behind the curtain. The kids say that if the curtains fall it will be the end of time.

Here the rules are bright clear. Everything is based on peace. You can be anything that brings you serenity; even if it is full of chaos like I chose. However, most of these kids who do not care who they are going to be or what will happen to them when get to that world will realize how stupid they were that they did not choose when everything was clear back here. Is that even possible to make a decision in that darkness? When in the darkness, the only thing you can do is to reach out your hand. You do not get to choose whether your hand touches cotton or a razor. The curtain hung on this world yet I do not know why is it dark in the other world.

Another father is making love to a mother again. I run. Some kids tell me even if you do not run nobody will grab you. But I have seen some hooks with words on them. These hooks do not care about our choices. They hunt the first prey they can lay their hands on. A superpower that the kids here do not believe.

It is time for one of the kids. There are different types of kids here. Some are like me. In the timeless time, spaceless space. Our time has not yet come and we still have time to choose. Some have reached their deadline to choose, their time has been set up. They are surrounded by a subtle ring. Hooks of other fathers and mothers cannot hunt them anymore. But the ring around their neck might open and then they will come back here again.

They are surrounded by a strong ring. They do not have the right to choose anymore. And the rings will not open. Their time and location have been set up. They will never come back here. Even if they are born dead, they will be transferred to another world.

I have a friend here who is a scientist, who tells me that I have lived under the load of time. My friend has lived for thousand times and came back here again every time. My friend is one of those stubborn kids who always find a way around the rules. My friend says that I will come and go until I can change the rules of the other world and make it like this world. A world without pain. Maybe then every world will be free from the pressure of time. Like this world that there is no past, present, or future. It is just being and presence and presence.

The other kids say that my friend is a fabulist. No hooks have ever hunted him. But I could see the marks of thousands of hooks on my friend’s back. The kids tell me I am fooling myself. My friend says that when we move to the other world we will forget everything.

First, we will be afraid and scream out of horror. For the reason that everything is black over there but nobody realizes that. They believe that we are screaming to let them know that we are healthy. Then our eyes start to adapt to darkness. We start to see. My friend tells me that I have never wished to see. When I go to that world I do not open my eyes. Or even if I open them, I try not to look into the darkness so that it cannot trick me. I take the rules of this world to the other world. I have lived many lives. In that world, I have always been a genius with a physical disability. A blind scientist, a disabled scientist. A deaf-mute scientist. I have been both woman and man. Rich and poor, I have lived different lives and every time I have returned to this world.

My friend says that only the ones who forget this world will go to other worlds. My friend tells me that if you do not forget your connection you will come back here. I do not know how to stop myself from forgetting my link. Ergo I constantly repeat the rules of the world of light. The rules behind the curtain of unawareness.

My friend tells me that when we leave here we will be everybody’s enemies. Not just us two. Every kid here will change their nature when they move behind that thick curtain. They become something else. I asked my friend why do they forget the rules? My friend told me that the rules are meant to be forgotten. I do not understand any of those words. Sometimes I believe what other kids are saying, that my friend is a fabulist.

I am looking around to see if I have other choices. But other kids are swinging in the void. It feels good to be carefree like that. But instead of this world, you are going to spend all your time thinking and wondering in the other world. You cannot have it all. You cannot live carefree in that world and still live at the moment. You can have a quiet life but you will not have peace of mind. The kids say that they are not in the mood for these sorts of things. There are not many people who listen to me. They tell me that it will be the same for me in the other world. I will be a lonely person.

My friend who has lived a thousand lives tells me it is better to be alone in your own time but to be understood at all times. I cannot yet understand the concept of time. Another friend says: Choice is an illusion. Here we are only attracted to powerful things. If I wish to be a rebellious girl I think I like it myself. In fact, I am attracting the energy of a hook that is going to hunt me. So I should put an end to this futile attempt and give up.

My friend who has live a thousand lives tells me: This type of thinking is toxic in another world and drives them towards abandonment. My friend told me not to give up. A hook is pulling my friend towards itself. As the ring around my friend’s neck is getting stronger my friend tells me: Come see me in Paris. This time I am going to be a philosopher who intertwines being and nothingness. I repeat to myself not to forget that friend. I hope that we will not be enemies in that world.

The hook of a father that I chose comes towards me sooner than I expected. I think that friend who said we had no choice was right. Since I do not know why am I am drawn to it in bewilderedness. I want to persist, run away and choose another life given that no time has been set up for me. But it seems that I have no choice. My father’s hook grabs me and sets up a time for me. I am moving into that world. I wish not to forget the rules of the world of light yet instead of remembering the rules I am repeating: Being and Nothingness, Paris.